Hi Kidney Beanies!
I cannot believe how my Substack newsletter has grown. I still remember struggling to reach that 100-subscriber milestone—until I found that gold mine of an email list from organizing our 20th high school reunion. (Go Squirrels!) But with a lot of persistence and A LOT of Adderall, my Substack has flourished.
It took I Will Donate My Kidney to a Dying Child if You Read This less than six days and just 462 posts to gain one billion subscribers. (And only nine hundred million are bots!) I’m proud to say, I now have more readers than Jesus himself—and of course I’m referring to Jesus, my accountant, author of In Our CPA We Pray.
Now that I’m such a dope influencer, I’d like to give back to my community (aside from my generous organ donation): I’m spilling the tea on my biggest tips so you, too, can slay like Caroline Calloway on a Butterbeer and meth binge at Harry Potter World. If I can do it, so can you!
- First, make your title stand out so everyone wants to read it. Here are some of my favorites: Cane Snatched: Drama Goin’ Down on Golden Bachelor; My 67 First Dates on Bumble and Why I’m a Lesbian Now; The Poop Scoop Daily: My Explosive Life with IBS; Cry Me a River: No One Cares About Your Divorce, Kevin; How I Got into Witness Protection (that one was mega popular but short-lived).
- Guilt your parents—and if you’re lucky, stepparents—into subscribing separately as paid, even if they share the same bank account. They paid for your college, your wedding, your house. Why can’t they bankroll your Substack?
- Determine which of your friends you never really liked anyway. While they wait for the bathroom at Starbucks, borrow their phone to “call your mom.” Open their email and export their contacts as a CSV file. Sign up all their acquaintances for your newsletter. If anybody asks, blame Russian hackers.
Continue reading on The Belladonna.