Woman shouting into a megaphone with a wry look on her face.

How to Talk Like a Normie: A Step-by-Step Guide for the Autistic

  1. The answer to “How are you?” should never be the truth. When a person greets you, they’re not actually listening. Respond “Fine” or “Good” and reciprocate the question, ignoring their response.
  2. On Mondays, the follow up to your greeting should be, “How was your weekend?” When someone asks this, always say, “It was great!” and mention what you did in one or two sentences, though nothing too extravagant; e.g., “I fed cockatoos at the zoo.”
  3. If you haven’t seen someone in more than a day, it’s necessary to engage in “small talk” before conducting business as usual. You first need to acknowledge them (e.g., “Nice stapler, Becky”) and remember to ask about their kid who’s sick and look at photos of their cat being a cat.
  4. If someone shows you a picture of their new baby, never, under any circumstances, say what you really think it looks like. Tell them, “Aw, so cute” and get out of the conversation as fast as possible; e.g.; “Did you hear that? I think someone just spilled orange soda on my desk.”

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About Marisa Russello

Marisa writes fiction and nonfiction from her home in upstate New York and is working on a memoir entitled Everything You Can’t Control. Find her on Instagram @marisarussellowrites.